Communication - Giving
and Receiving Criticism
Our ability to communicate effectively has a big impact on
those around us. Some times we
communicate effectively, and other times we do not. Giving and receiving
feedback or criticism is difficult and can be very destructive to our important
relationships.
When we think of the word criticism, it is usually
associated with negative feelings, or a feeling of being judged. Certainly, criticism of someone with the
intent of tearing them down is contrary to our beliefs as Christians. Criticism or feedback that is meant to
uplift, build and strengthen can be good, if it is handled correctly and
carefully.
There are three basic categories of criticism. The first type is vague criticism. This type of criticism may simply indicate a
difference of opinion or someone whose values and methods of doing something
are different from our own. The
criticism may be unclear or not to the point. Consider this example: “I am not
able to count on you.” It isn’t
specific, nor is it clear. Let me give you another example. Let’s say that I came up to you and said, “I
am not happy about the way things are going. I am unhappy and you need to make
some changes.” First, you wouldn’t have
a clue what I was talking about. Perhaps
you had done something wrong, but perhaps not.
It is just too vague. This type
of criticism makes people feel uneasy.
They don’t know what the problem is, or if you are intending to hurt or
help them.
The second category is unjust
criticism. This can be the case when someone is upset, or under stress. Sometimes it may be a reaction to a lack of
information or knowledge. Consider this
example: “These problems are your fault.”
Perhaps the person is just angry about something, or perhaps they just
don’t understand. For example, let’s say
that a young child messes up a room and the parents scold the older sibling. This
criticism would be unjust.
The third category is valid
criticism. This is criticism that is accurate and justified. Consider this example: “You did not complete the task that I asked
you to complete.” Another example:
Suppose you take your car in to be painted and they use the wrong color. Criticizing them for painting the car the
wrong color would obviously be valid criticism.
Years ago, I had a boss that thought it was important to
give criticism all of the time. After almost
every meeting, phone call or discussion, he would pull me aside and let me know
all of the things that I did wrong or needed to improve. His motivation was good in that he felt that
he should be honest at all times, and that he should help others to improve. Some
of his feedback was valid and helpful, but others were trivial and unimportant.
The desire to help other people is a good thing. If, for example, you truly love your spouse,
and you see them about to make a serious mistake, would you not want to warn
them? How you do it, what you say,
timing and many other factors are critical.
Dallin H. Oaks warns us about the dangers, “One who focuses on faults, though
they be true, tears down a brother or a sister. The virtues of patience,
brotherly kindness, mutual respect, loyalty, and good manners all rest to some
degree on the principle that even though something is true, we are not
necessarily justified in communicating it to any and all persons at any and all
times.”[i]
Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us that that praise is better than criticism, “I
hope that each one of us will be a better husband or wife, kinder to one
another, more thoughtful, more restrained
in criticism, and more generous with compliments.”[ii] (Italics
added)
There is a correct time, place and method for giving
criticism. Here are some questions one should consider before giving criticism.
What is my motivation? What am I
feeling? Am I calm, or am I angry and emotional? Is my feedback a
generalization? Have I gathered all of the information that I need to make a
valid assessment? Is it true? Is the criticism important and necessary? Is it the right time and situation to give
talk about this? Are my intentions
righteous?
For example, there was a situation where one of my children
had done something that appeared to be a serious mistake. I was immediately upset, and angry. I was not calm, I hadn’t gathered any
information and I was not feeling loving and compassionate. Clearly this would have been the wrong time
to discuss the situation. Fortunately, I
waited until the following day. I was
much more relaxed. In fact, since I had
taken some additional time to think about it, it didn’t seem nearly as serious
as I had thought the night before. In
the end, all it took was a brief conversation to gather some additional
information, a mild suggestion for improvement for the future, and that was it.
In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior talked about giving
criticism. “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but
considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy
brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in
thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye;
and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”[1] Christ points out that it is foolishness to
try to remove a speck from the eye of someone else, when we have a huge beam in
our own eye. It is foolish indeed to
criticize small things in other people, when we are so imperfect ourselves.
A friend and author, Brent L. Topp refers to a concept that
he calls, “The hypocrisy of deflection.”
“We deflect the counsel, the teachings that are given to us and that we
need in our lives to be disciples of the Master. We actually deflect if from our selves, and
cast it upon someone else. The natural man deflects. A disciple of Christ accepts and embraces corrective counsel.”[iii] (bold
added) Once, I asked my wife Jo if there were some things about myself,
personal behaviors or habits, which were an annoying to her. I asked her to share these with me so that I
could work on them and be a better husband.
Happily for me, she had only minor things to say, but I did take them
seriously and have worked to improve in those areas. Elbert Hubbard said, “The
final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without
resentment”[iv] Being a good listener or a good recipient can
often turn a difficult confrontation into a successful communication.
A few years ago, I got an insight into a scripture that has
helped me immensely. In the Doctrine and
Covenants section 121, we are given instruction as to how we should influence
others and when we should give criticism. “No power or influence can or ought
to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by
long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness,
and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and
without guile— Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth
afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he
esteem thee to be his enemy;”[2]
(bold added) This tells us how we should
influence others – persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love,
kindness, knowledge. Then it refers to
“reproving with sharpness”, it can be interpreted as being harsh, and sharp in
our communication. I don’t think that is
what is intended. I think it means that
we communicate clearly and directly. But
the key phrase is “when moved upon by the Holy Ghost.” Notice that it doesn’t say, “when ever you feel
like it is important.” No. It says only when the Holy Ghost prompts
us. So unless the Holy Ghost is
prompting us, we should not criticize. We must have the Spirit with us. This will then automatically exclude times
when we are angry, contentious, upset, etc. because it is impossible to have
the Spirit with us at those times. How
many times do we have the Holy Ghost prompt us to express criticism to
someone? I would say, not very often. Lastly, the scriptures say that we must “show
an increase of love”. Regardless of
anything else, this is the most important thing: the person we are talking to must know and feel that we love them. There is nothing more important in
communication with our family than the expression of love.
When we are “moved” to give feedback or to communicate with
someone, here are a few things we should keep in mind. Keep calm. Stay focused. Make sure you are
prepared and have gathered all of the information and knowledge you need. Be
patient and respectful. Do not “vent” with emotion. Do not make
assumptions. Don’t exaggerate. Give
criticism in private. Do not sound threatening. Don't remind people of previous
instances that were resolved. Do not have these discussions at the end of the
day or when you are tired. There are
times when late night talks are beneficial and wonderful, but it is normally
not the time to express criticism. It is always wise to make sure you are in
the right place, with the right spirit when you need to have this kind of
communication. Be careful that you don’t “Gang up” on someone. If two parents are scolding a teen, it can be
difficult to defend yourself when you feel like it is coming from all
sides. This shuts down the communication
process and renders it ineffective. As long as one parent is communicating the
important facts, the other parent should not actively participate in giving the
feedback.
Sometimes, when we are having a discussion, particularly
when there is criticism involved, it turns into a contest, or an argument. It sometimes develops into a win/lose
discussion. Clearly the Holy Ghost is
not involved at that point. In some
cases, we must decide that we are willing to “lose” in order to maintain the
relationship. For example, someone might
accuse you of hurting them, and it is completely untrue. One approach is to debate this with them and
explain that you didn’t do anything. Sometimes this generates an argument. Another
approach might be to say, “I am so sorry that you are hurt. I will be more careful. I love you and I am very sorry.” Comments
like these diffuse confrontation. You
are lovingly apologizing and by doing so, are inviting the Spirit to be there. You can admit you are in the wrong, even when
you are not. What is more important, winning the point, or the relationship? Sometimes we have to “lose” in order to
“win”. I remember clearly a time when I
was with my parents and we were driving in the car. My mother said to Dad,
“Dean, you are driving too fast.” Now,
Dad wasn’t the best driver, and he was probably driving too fast, but in his
mind everything was just fine. He could
have said, “I am not driving too fast. I am being completely safe. Quit telling
me how to drive.” But instead he
realized that the relationship was more important than the issue. He said, “Honey, I am sorry that I am making
you nervous. I don’t want you to feel
uncomfortable when I am driving, so I will slow down.” When we consider the eternal perspective,
there is little that is more important than our relationship. Being willing to lose for the sake of the
relationship is a wise and loving characteristic to develop.
Sometimes, the way that we say things and our physical
communication can make a big difference.
Consider the difference between these two invitations given
from a Father to his daughter. First, suppose the father says, “Jane! Come
here. I want to talk about something
important.” Or he could say it this way, “Jane darling, do you have a minute
that we can talk. It’s important.” Being
nice doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you care about the other person’s
feelings. Some years ago, I told Jo that
when I do something wrong and she needs to let me know, it helps if she reaches
out and just rests her hand on my arm. Then I will be reassured that she still
loves me and isn’t angry. As a side
note, it is easy to take criticism when you are being kissed! When we are communicating
with those we love, we can use words and actions that let the other person know
that we love them.
Let me share with you and interesting example that involves
my son and his friends. When they play
basketball, I notice that there are some players that are quick to call out any
small foul made against them. And then,
when they foul, even intentionally, they say nothing. This is their strategy –
“if winning is the most important thing, then why should I admit when I have
fouled?” This is like the person who would be quick to give criticism, and
rarely admits when they are wrong. There are other players that are quick to
admit when they have fouled. This person is more interested in the people and
having fun together. This would be like
the person who is very slow to criticize and quick to apologize. They freely admit mistakes and are quick to
say, “I’m sorry.” Winning isn’t the most important thing to them, particularly
in their relationships.
As we consider all of our interpersonal relationships and
the communication that we give and receive, let’s remember the things that are
most important. Let’s refrain from
criticism as much as possible, realizing that we are all imperfect beings. Give feedback when inspired by the Holy Ghost
and make sure our criticism is fair, valid and necessary. Reinforce of feelings
of love for the other person and maintain appropriate physical contact. Be
quick to admit our faults, and to say we are sorry.
Truth Reflects upon Our Senses - Hymn no. 273
3. Once I said unto another,
“In thine eye there is a mote;
If thou art a friend, a brother,
Hold, and let me pull it out.”
But I could not see it fairly,
For my sight was very dim.
When I came to search more clearly,
In mine eye there was a beam.
4. If I love my brother dearer,
And his mote I would erase,
Then the light should shine the clearer,
For the eye’s a tender place.
Others I have oft reproved
For an object like a mote;
Now I wish this beam removed;
Oh, that tears would wash it out!
5. Charity and love are healing;
These will give the clearest sight;
When I saw my brother’s failing,
I was not exactly right.
Now I’ll take no further trouble;
Jesus’ love is all my theme;
Little motes are but a bubble
When I think upon the beam.[v]
President Hinckley’s gives us this counsel: ”… as we grow
and progress, let us look for the good, the beautiful, the positive.”[vi]
As we follow this direction, avoiding criticism where possible, and striving to
increase our loving communications, we will be able to help each other in
positive and supportive ways.
Ultimately, it is love that should drive all we do and all
we say.
[i] Dallin
H. Oaks, “Criticism,” Ensign, Feb 1987, 68
[ii] Gordon
B. Hinckley, “A Time of New Beginnings,” Ensign, May 2000, 87
[iii] Brent
L. Topp – “Is it I? Overcoming the spiritual pitfalls of unrighteous judgment
of self and others.” Deseret Book, June 2003 (minor grammatical changes made.)
[iv] Elbert
Hubbard, American editor, publisher and writer, 1856-1915
[v] Text:
Eliza R. Snow, 1807–1887; chorus by M. E. Abbey
[vi] Gordon
B. Hinckley, “The Continuing Search for Truth,” Tambuli, Feb 1986, 9