Giving and Receiving Criticism - 06/08

Communication - Giving and Receiving Criticism

Our ability to communicate effectively has a big impact on those around us.  Some times we communicate effectively, and other times we do not. Giving and receiving feedback or criticism is difficult and can be very destructive to our important relationships.

When we think of the word criticism, it is usually associated with negative feelings, or a feeling of being judged.  Certainly, criticism of someone with the intent of tearing them down is contrary to our beliefs as Christians.  Criticism or feedback that is meant to uplift, build and strengthen can be good, if it is handled correctly and carefully.

There are three basic categories of criticism.  The first type is vague criticism. This type of criticism may simply indicate a difference of opinion or someone whose values and methods of doing something are different from our own.  The criticism may be unclear or not to the point. Consider this example: “I am not able to count on you.”  It isn’t specific, nor is it clear. Let me give you another example.  Let’s say that I came up to you and said, “I am not happy about the way things are going. I am unhappy and you need to make some changes.”  First, you wouldn’t have a clue what I was talking about.  Perhaps you had done something wrong, but perhaps not.  It is just too vague.  This type of criticism makes people feel uneasy.  They don’t know what the problem is, or if you are intending to hurt or help them.

The second category is unjust criticism. This can be the case when someone is upset, or under stress.  Sometimes it may be a reaction to a lack of information or knowledge.  Consider this example: “These problems are your fault.”  Perhaps the person is just angry about something, or perhaps they just don’t understand.  For example, let’s say that a young child messes up a room and the parents scold the older sibling. This criticism would be unjust.

The third category is valid criticism. This is criticism that is accurate and justified.  Consider this example:  “You did not complete the task that I asked you to complete.”  Another example: Suppose you take your car in to be painted and they use the wrong color.  Criticizing them for painting the car the wrong color would obviously be valid criticism.

Years ago, I had a boss that thought it was important to give criticism all of the time.  After almost every meeting, phone call or discussion, he would pull me aside and let me know all of the things that I did wrong or needed to improve.  His motivation was good in that he felt that he should be honest at all times, and that he should help others to improve. Some of his feedback was valid and helpful, but others were trivial and unimportant.

The desire to help other people is a good thing.  If, for example, you truly love your spouse, and you see them about to make a serious mistake, would you not want to warn them?  How you do it, what you say, timing and many other factors are critical.  Dallin H. Oaks warns us about the dangers, “One who focuses on faults, though they be true, tears down a brother or a sister. The virtues of patience, brotherly kindness, mutual respect, loyalty, and good manners all rest to some degree on the principle that even though something is true, we are not necessarily justified in communicating it to any and all persons at any and all times.”[i] Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us that that praise is better than criticism, “I hope that each one of us will be a better husband or wife, kinder to one another, more thoughtful, more restrained in criticism, and more generous with compliments.”[ii] (Italics added)

There is a correct time, place and method for giving criticism. Here are some questions one should consider before giving criticism. What is my motivation?  What am I feeling? Am I calm, or am I angry and emotional? Is my feedback a generalization? Have I gathered all of the information that I need to make a valid assessment? Is it true? Is the criticism important and necessary?  Is it the right time and situation to give talk about this?  Are my intentions righteous?

For example, there was a situation where one of my children had done something that appeared to be a serious mistake.  I was immediately upset, and angry.  I was not calm, I hadn’t gathered any information and I was not feeling loving and compassionate.  Clearly this would have been the wrong time to discuss the situation.  Fortunately, I waited until the following day.  I was much more relaxed.  In fact, since I had taken some additional time to think about it, it didn’t seem nearly as serious as I had thought the night before.  In the end, all it took was a brief conversation to gather some additional information, a mild suggestion for improvement for the future, and that was it.

In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior talked about giving criticism. “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”[1]  Christ points out that it is foolishness to try to remove a speck from the eye of someone else, when we have a huge beam in our own eye.  It is foolish indeed to criticize small things in other people, when we are so imperfect ourselves.

A friend and author, Brent L. Topp refers to a concept that he calls, “The hypocrisy of deflection.”  “We deflect the counsel, the teachings that are given to us and that we need in our lives to be disciples of the Master.  We actually deflect if from our selves, and cast it upon someone else. The natural man deflects. A disciple of Christ accepts and embraces corrective counsel.[iii] (bold added) Once, I asked my wife Jo if there were some things about myself, personal behaviors or habits, which were an annoying to her.  I asked her to share these with me so that I could work on them and be a better husband.  Happily for me, she had only minor things to say, but I did take them seriously and have worked to improve in those areas. Elbert Hubbard said, “The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment”[iv]  Being a good listener or a good recipient can often turn a difficult confrontation into a successful communication. 

A few years ago, I got an insight into a scripture that has helped me immensely.  In the Doctrine and Covenants section 121, we are given instruction as to how we should influence others and when we should give criticism. “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;”[2] (bold added)  This tells us how we should influence others – persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love, kindness, knowledge.  Then it refers to “reproving with sharpness”, it can be interpreted as being harsh, and sharp in our communication.  I don’t think that is what is intended.  I think it means that we communicate clearly and directly.  But the key phrase is “when moved upon by the Holy Ghost.”  Notice that it doesn’t say, “when ever you feel like it is important.”  No.  It says only when the Holy Ghost prompts us.  So unless the Holy Ghost is prompting us, we should not criticize. We must have the Spirit with us.  This will then automatically exclude times when we are angry, contentious, upset, etc. because it is impossible to have the Spirit with us at those times.  How many times do we have the Holy Ghost prompt us to express criticism to someone?  I would say, not very often.  Lastly, the scriptures say that we must “show an increase of love”.  Regardless of anything else, this is the most important thing: the person we are talking to must know and feel that we love them.  There is nothing more important in communication with our family than the expression of love.

When we are “moved” to give feedback or to communicate with someone, here are a few things we should keep in mind.  Keep calm. Stay focused. Make sure you are prepared and have gathered all of the information and knowledge you need. Be patient and respectful. Do not “vent” with emotion. Do not make assumptions.  Don’t exaggerate. Give criticism in private. Do not sound threatening. Don't remind people of previous instances that were resolved. Do not have these discussions at the end of the day or when you are tired.  There are times when late night talks are beneficial and wonderful, but it is normally not the time to express criticism. It is always wise to make sure you are in the right place, with the right spirit when you need to have this kind of communication. Be careful that you don’t “Gang up” on someone.  If two parents are scolding a teen, it can be difficult to defend yourself when you feel like it is coming from all sides.  This shuts down the communication process and renders it ineffective. As long as one parent is communicating the important facts, the other parent should not actively participate in giving the feedback.

Sometimes, when we are having a discussion, particularly when there is criticism involved, it turns into a contest, or an argument.  It sometimes develops into a win/lose discussion.  Clearly the Holy Ghost is not involved at that point.  In some cases, we must decide that we are willing to “lose” in order to maintain the relationship.  For example, someone might accuse you of hurting them, and it is completely untrue.  One approach is to debate this with them and explain that you didn’t do anything. Sometimes this generates an argument. Another approach might be to say, “I am so sorry that you are hurt.  I will be more careful.  I love you and I am very sorry.” Comments like these diffuse confrontation.  You are lovingly apologizing and by doing so, are inviting the Spirit to be there.  You can admit you are in the wrong, even when you are not. What is more important, winning the point, or the relationship?  Sometimes we have to “lose” in order to “win”.  I remember clearly a time when I was with my parents and we were driving in the car. My mother said to Dad, “Dean, you are driving too fast.”  Now, Dad wasn’t the best driver, and he was probably driving too fast, but in his mind everything was just fine.  He could have said, “I am not driving too fast. I am being completely safe. Quit telling me how to drive.”  But instead he realized that the relationship was more important than the issue.  He said, “Honey, I am sorry that I am making you nervous.  I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable when I am driving, so I will slow down.”  When we consider the eternal perspective, there is little that is more important than our relationship.  Being willing to lose for the sake of the relationship is a wise and loving characteristic to develop.

Sometimes, the way that we say things and our physical communication can make a big difference. 
Consider the difference between these two invitations given from a Father to his daughter. First, suppose the father says, “Jane! Come here.  I want to talk about something important.” Or he could say it this way, “Jane darling, do you have a minute that we can talk.  It’s important.” Being nice doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you care about the other person’s feelings.  Some years ago, I told Jo that when I do something wrong and she needs to let me know, it helps if she reaches out and just rests her hand on my arm. Then I will be reassured that she still loves me and isn’t angry.  As a side note, it is easy to take criticism when you are being kissed! When we are communicating with those we love, we can use words and actions that let the other person know that we love them. 

Let me share with you and interesting example that involves my son and his friends.  When they play basketball, I notice that there are some players that are quick to call out any small foul made against them.  And then, when they foul, even intentionally, they say nothing. This is their strategy – “if winning is the most important thing, then why should I admit when I have fouled?” This is like the person who would be quick to give criticism, and rarely admits when they are wrong. There are other players that are quick to admit when they have fouled. This person is more interested in the people and having fun together.  This would be like the person who is very slow to criticize and quick to apologize.  They freely admit mistakes and are quick to say, “I’m sorry.” Winning isn’t the most important thing to them, particularly in their relationships.

As we consider all of our interpersonal relationships and the communication that we give and receive, let’s remember the things that are most important.  Let’s refrain from criticism as much as possible, realizing that we are all imperfect beings.  Give feedback when inspired by the Holy Ghost and make sure our criticism is fair, valid and necessary. Reinforce of feelings of love for the other person and maintain appropriate physical contact. Be quick to admit our faults, and to say we are sorry.

Truth Reflects upon Our Senses - Hymn no. 273

3. Once I said unto another,
“In thine eye there is a mote;
If thou art a friend, a brother,
Hold, and let me pull it out.”
But I could not see it fairly,
For my sight was very dim.
When I came to search more clearly,
In mine eye there was a beam.

4. If I love my brother dearer,
And his mote I would erase,
Then the light should shine the clearer,
For the eye’s a tender place.
Others I have oft reproved
For an object like a mote;
Now I wish this beam removed;
Oh, that tears would wash it out!

5. Charity and love are healing;
These will give the clearest sight;
When I saw my brother’s failing,
I was not exactly right.
Now I’ll take no further trouble;
Jesus’ love is all my theme;
Little motes are but a bubble
When I think upon the beam.[v]

President Hinckley’s gives us this counsel: ”… as we grow and progress, let us look for the good, the beautiful, the positive.”[vi] As we follow this direction, avoiding criticism where possible, and striving to increase our loving communications, we will be able to help each other in positive and supportive ways.

Ultimately, it is love that should drive all we do and all we say.




[1] New Testament, Mathew 7:3-5
[2] Doctrine and Covenants, Section 121:41-43




[i] Dallin H. Oaks, “Criticism,” Ensign, Feb 1987, 68
[ii] Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Time of New Beginnings,” Ensign, May 2000, 87
[iii] Brent L. Topp – “Is it I? Overcoming the spiritual pitfalls of unrighteous judgment of self and others.” Deseret Book, June 2003 (minor grammatical changes made.)
[iv] Elbert Hubbard, American editor, publisher and writer, 1856-1915
[v] Text: Eliza R. Snow, 1807–1887; chorus by M. E. Abbey
[vi] Gordon B. Hinckley, “The Continuing Search for Truth,” Tambuli, Feb 1986, 9
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