Selecting a Spouse - 01/09

Selecting a Spouse

There are a few key decisions that we make in this life that have eternal consequences:

The decision to follow Christ and be baptized.
The decision to hold and honor the priesthood.
The decision to serve a mission.
The selection of ones eternal companion.
The decision to marry in the temple of the Lord, and keep the temple covenants.
The decision to remain active in His church.

Of these, I consider the selection of ones spouse second only to the decision to follow Christ. All of the other decisions we make in life are secondary to these.

Spencer W. Kimball said, “In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as of hearts. Emotions must not wholly determine decisions, but the mind and the heart, strengthened by fasting and prayer and serious consideration, will give one a maximum chance of marital happiness. It brings with it sacrifice, sharing, and a demand for great selflessness.”[1]

I have attended many weddings where the husband and wife make covenants that last for this life only. Since we know that when we are selecting a companion we are choosing a mate for all eternity, we take it very seriously.

There are several factors that we should consider when we are dating and learning about people. Give yourself enough experience.  Have lots of friends, meet lots of people. Leave yourself open to date all kinds of people.  Don’t limit yourself to only one type of person.  Date people whom you might choose to marry.

Treat the people you date as if you might marry them.  I remember dating several girls that were really just out for a good time, and were surprised when I treated them with courtesy and respect.  I realized that these girls were not for me and that they were not the kind of girls that I wanted to marry or even date. 

A young friend of mine went on a weekend boating vacation with an old girlfriend.  The next Monday, I asked him how it went.  “It was great!” He said, describing how much fun they had and what a good kisser she was.  I then asked him if he was going to marry this girl.  “Oh no.” was his reply.  He said that while she was great fun she wouldn’t be the kind of girl that would be good for him.  She would be the kind of girl that when he said he didn’t want to get up for church would say, “Great!  Let’s go boating!” But what he wanted was someone who would say, “Oh come on, you know you want to get up and go.”  He wanted someone who would be focused on helping him reach higher goals.

Remember in the movie Bambi where Thumper becomes “twitterpated” when he sees the beautiful little girl bunny rabbit. He is instantly smitten by her, his eyes become glazed over and he is in a hypnotic, enamored state. It is important to feel that spark of excitement, passion and the heart pounding that comes when you are with the person you love.  The second and more important part is the deeper, more enduring love that comes from a deep respect, admiration, and long-term devotion.  This is the difference between infatuation and true love.  When someone tells you they love you, it is a very nice thing.  But sometimes you may want to probe a little bit and ask them why.  Is it something that they have said casually or something that they have come to realize over time. When they can describe all of the things that they love about you - that is a really wonderful thing.

Spencer W. Kimball also taught, “Divine love is not like that association of the world which is misnamed love, but which is mostly physical attraction. … The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity.”[2]

What are the things that one should look for in a mate?  The characteristics that are important to some people might not be important to others, so it is a little bit of an individual choice as to what is most important. It is good that we should have differences, but at the same time, it is important to have many things in common.  Here are some basics that should be in common: The philosophy of life, religion, having and raising of children, money management and financial goals, and other core values.

Here are some personal character traits that one should look for in a spouse:

Individual Traits
Honest
Kind
Physical attraction
Loving
Spiritual
Fun
Righteous
Full of love
Happy
Serious
Can cope with stress
Believes people can change
Does not get angry and hostile
Does not get depressed easily
Flexibility
Good self-esteem
Good interpersonal skills
Empathy
A good sense of humor
Be able to laugh at ones self
A positive attitude, works, plays, and prays hard.
Unselfish
Willing to sacrifice for others
Ambitious--hard worker with tenacity and drive and common sense (husband) and desire for a clean and happy home and for a family (wife)
A wise financial manager
Forgiving
Integrity at all times, in every situation.

Couple Traits
Kindness towards all others
Communication style
Supportive
Un-selfish
Caring
Someone who will love and adore you always
Quick to forgive when you make a mistake
Slow to anger
Quick to say they are sorry
Similarity of values
Long acquaintanceship
Good communication skills
Good conflict-resolutions skills and style
Does not feel entitled to dominate, ridicule, or abuse
Everlasting patience
Slow to get feelings hurt
Not into conversational wall building, quick to open up about what is bugging them.
Will talk patiently and courteously, especially when there is a difference of opinion.
Humanity--love and kindness to all
A good listener, and willing to carry on thoughtful conversations. 
Willing to work together on anything
Willing to be on the losing side of an argument without pouting
Adoration for each other

Family Traits
Healthy family-of-origin experiences
Has a good family
Happy parental marriage
Parental and friends’ approval of the relationship
Significant education and career preparation
Wants to be a good parent
Willing and able to provide for the family, or in the case of a wife, be willing to help work when necessary.
Would follow all of the things in our own Packer Family Proclamation. 

Certainly one needs to be physically attracted to the person.  You should consider that you will be with this person a long time.  Physical characteristics will be passed on to your children and their children. Once when I was driving around with my brother Kelly, the topic of dating came up.  He made a comment to me. He said, “You are handsome and good enough that you can marry anyone you want to.” We have been blessed in our family to be physically attractive enough that this statement is true for all of us. 

I asked my brothers and sisters what they felt were the most important characteristics for a spouse.  Interestingly, each one of them put Christ and eternal principles at the top of the list.  Here are some of the things they said: Your spouse should have a deep and abiding testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ and His restored church and a desire for the celestial kingdom. Choose someone that puts their personal salvation, testimony of Jesus Christ, and the restored church before anyone or anything else. Your spouse should have a strong belief in Jesus as the Christ, in Latter-day prophets and the restoration of the Gospel. They should have the compassion of Christ, and enough love to do it all over again with spirit children. Select someone that will put their spouse and children's salvation before anyone or anything else except for their own and someone who will help prepare and lead their family into the Kingdom.

It is important to look carefully at the parents of one you are considering for marriage.  How do they treat each other.  Have they struggled to maintain a good relationship, or have they been divorced many times.  One has to be careful not to judge solely on that because divorce doesn’t necessarily mean the person is bad.  But it does have an impact on the people.  For example, Grandmother McReynolds was divorced, but she is a wonderful person. Jo grew up without knowing what it was like to have a father figure in the home.  So it was an adjustment for her to have a man in the home that would take responsibility and make decisions.  Fortunately, we had a great relationship from the start, and it was an easy adjustment. Most people are not so lucky. So, one has to look at how the parents treat each other, and their children.  What are the behaviors that they have passed on to their children.  In addition, one can look at the physical appearance of the parents and assume that this is what their children may look like when they get older.  You can ask yourself if you would be happy with that.

My sister Deanne said, “Get to know your prospective spouse and family well in different situations.  What is the spirit in their home, in their relationships.  Notice how they treat each other.  Notice the broader scope—the extended family, how they live, act, speak.  What is important to them?  Do you feel good about what you observe?  Your in-laws will be your family.”  She also said, “Don’t look for or expect perfection; you won’t find it.  After being married, everyone learns things about his or her spouse that he didn’t know, or doesn’t like, but if you have the other important things, you will be able to work out most problems.”

How important is it to consider someone’s parents and family when considering them as a potential mate. There is an undeniable fact that as people go through life, they grow, change and develop.  Those who follow Christ can experience development that focuses on Christ-like attributes. Over time, they can become better people, better parents, more loving, and in general more Christ-like. I really didn’t learn this principle until I was on my mission and observed for the first time, the influence of the gospel as it helped people grow and improve in their personal lives, and in their skill as a parent. As Brigham Young taught, the gospel of Jesus Christ “teachs men to be truthful, honest, chaste, sober, industrious, frugal and to love and practice every good word and work, … it elevates and ennobles man, [and] if fully obeyed, [it] brings health and strength to the body, clearness to the perceptions, power to the reasoning faculties as well as salvation to the soul.”[3] 

Since children are influenced by their parents for both good and bad, it is wise to consider their parents.  But most important are the decisions they have made in their personal lives. How committed are they to the things that are most important to you. 

Rely on the Spirit.  When Jo and I decided to marry, we both knew it was right.  I didn’t go through an elaborate evaluation process.  What I had chosen to do was to live the best that I could, and then rely on the Lord to help me.  Clearly, I was blessed.  He has given me much more than I could have realized at that age.  There is no way I could have known what a great mother and wife Jo was to become.  I had to trust my own best judgment and trust that Heavenly Father would send me an angel who would watch over me and our family.

Marry in the Temple.  President Monson said, “I would admonish you to maintain an eternal perspective. Make certain that the marriage in your future is a temple marriage. There is no scene so sweet, no time so sacred as that very special day of your marriage. Then and there you glimpse celestial joy. Be alert; do not permit temptation to rob you of this blessing.”[4]

As you marry and start your life with your chosen mate, it can be the most glorious and fun experience of your life. When you work together and bring your children up in a happy and spiritual environment, you will experience happiness, joy and contentment beyond expression. 




[1] “Chapter 18: Honorable, Happy, Successful Marriage,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, (2006),189–201
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=88021b08f338c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=5689862384d20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1
[2] The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 1982, 248
[3] Letter to the editor of the Religio-Philosophical Journal, 7 Jan. 1869, quoted in Jed Woodworth, “Brigham Young and the Mission of Mormonism,” Brigham Young University Studies 40, no. 2 (2001):11.  Dallin H. Oaks, “The Gospel in Our Lives,” Liahona, Jul 2002, 36–39
[4] Thomas S. Monson, “Whom Shall I Marry?,” New Era, Oct 2004, 4
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