Selecting a Spouse
There are a few key decisions that we make in this life that
have eternal consequences:
The decision to follow Christ and
be baptized.
The decision to hold and honor the
priesthood.
The decision to serve a mission.
The selection of ones eternal companion.
The decision to marry in the temple
of the Lord, and keep the temple covenants.
The decision to remain active in
His church.
Of these, I consider the selection of ones spouse second
only to the decision to follow Christ. All of the other decisions we make in
life are secondary to these.
Spencer W. Kimball said, “In selecting a companion for life
and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying
and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must
not be wrong. In true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as of
hearts. Emotions must not wholly determine decisions, but the mind and the
heart, strengthened by fasting and prayer and serious consideration, will give
one a maximum chance of marital happiness. It brings with it sacrifice,
sharing, and a demand for great selflessness.”[1]
I have attended many weddings where the husband and wife
make covenants that last for this life only. Since we know that when we are
selecting a companion we are choosing a mate for all eternity, we take it very seriously.
There are several factors that we should consider when we
are dating and learning about people. Give yourself enough experience. Have lots of friends, meet lots of people. Leave
yourself open to date all kinds of people.
Don’t limit yourself to only one type of person. Date people whom you might choose to marry.
Treat the people you date as if you might marry them. I remember dating several girls that were
really just out for a good time, and were surprised when I treated them with
courtesy and respect. I realized that
these girls were not for me and that they were not the kind of girls that I
wanted to marry or even date.
A young friend of mine went on a weekend boating vacation
with an old girlfriend. The next Monday,
I asked him how it went. “It was great!”
He said, describing how much fun they had and what a good kisser she was. I then asked him if he was going to marry
this girl. “Oh no.” was his reply. He said that while she was great fun she
wouldn’t be the kind of girl that would be good for him. She would be the kind of girl that when he
said he didn’t want to get up for church would say, “Great! Let’s go boating!” But what he wanted was
someone who would say, “Oh come on, you know you want to get up and go.” He wanted someone who would be focused on
helping him reach higher goals.
Remember in the movie Bambi where Thumper becomes
“twitterpated” when he sees the beautiful little girl bunny rabbit. He is instantly
smitten by her, his eyes become glazed over and he is in a hypnotic, enamored
state. It is important to feel that spark of excitement, passion and the heart
pounding that comes when you are with the person you love. The second and more important part is the
deeper, more enduring love that comes from a deep respect, admiration, and
long-term devotion. This is the
difference between infatuation and true love.
When someone tells you they love you, it is a very nice thing. But sometimes you may want to probe a little
bit and ask them why. Is it something
that they have said casually or something that they have come to realize over
time. When they can describe all of the things that they love about you - that
is a really wonderful thing.
Spencer W. Kimball also taught, “Divine love is not like
that association of the world which is misnamed love, but which is mostly
physical attraction. … The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical
attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is
devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is
cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never
tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity
and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and
eternity.”[2]
What are the things that one should look for in a mate? The characteristics that are important to
some people might not be important to others, so it is a little bit of an
individual choice as to what is most important. It is good that we should have
differences, but at the same time, it is important to have many things in
common. Here are some basics that should
be in common: The philosophy of life, religion, having and raising of children,
money management and financial goals, and other core values.
Here are some personal character traits that one should look
for in a spouse:
Individual Traits
Honest
Kind
Physical attraction
Loving
Spiritual
Fun
Righteous
Full of love
Happy
Serious
Can cope with stress
Believes people can change
Does not get angry and hostile
Does not get depressed easily
Flexibility
Good self-esteem
Good interpersonal skills
Empathy
A good sense of humor
Be able to laugh at ones self
A positive attitude, works, plays, and prays hard.
Unselfish
Willing to sacrifice for others
Ambitious--hard worker with tenacity and drive and common
sense (husband) and desire for a clean and happy home and for a family (wife)
A wise financial manager
Forgiving
Integrity at all times, in every situation.
Couple Traits
Kindness towards all others
Communication style
Supportive
Un-selfish
Caring
Someone who will love and adore you always
Quick to forgive when you make a mistake
Slow to anger
Quick to say they are sorry
Similarity of values
Long acquaintanceship
Good communication skills
Good conflict-resolutions skills and style
Does not feel entitled to dominate, ridicule, or abuse
Everlasting patience
Slow to get feelings hurt
Not into conversational wall building, quick to open up
about what is bugging them.
Will talk patiently and courteously, especially when there
is a difference of opinion.
Humanity--love and kindness to all
A good listener, and willing to carry on thoughtful
conversations.
Willing to work together on anything
Willing to be on the losing side of an argument without
pouting
Adoration for each other
Family Traits
Healthy family-of-origin experiences
Has a good family
Happy parental marriage
Parental and friends’ approval of the relationship
Significant education and career preparation
Wants to be a good parent
Willing and able to provide for the family, or in the case
of a wife, be willing to help work when necessary.
Would follow all of the things in our own Packer Family
Proclamation.
Certainly one needs to be physically attracted to the
person. You should consider that you
will be with this person a long time.
Physical characteristics will be passed on to your children and their
children. Once when I was driving around with my brother Kelly, the topic of
dating came up. He made a comment to me.
He said, “You are handsome and good enough that you can marry anyone you want
to.” We have been blessed in our family to be physically attractive enough that
this statement is true for all of us.
I asked my brothers and sisters what they felt were the most
important characteristics for a spouse. Interestingly,
each one of them put Christ and eternal principles at the top of the list. Here are some of the things they said: Your
spouse should have a deep and abiding testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ and
His restored church and a desire for the celestial kingdom. Choose someone that
puts their personal salvation, testimony of Jesus Christ, and the restored
church before anyone or anything else. Your spouse should have a strong belief
in Jesus as the Christ, in Latter-day prophets and the restoration of the
Gospel. They should have the compassion of Christ, and enough love to do it all
over again with spirit children. Select someone that will put their spouse and
children's salvation before anyone or anything else except for their own and
someone who will help prepare and lead their family into the Kingdom.
It is important to look carefully at the parents of one you
are considering for marriage. How do they
treat each other. Have they struggled to
maintain a good relationship, or have they been divorced many times. One has to be careful not to judge solely on
that because divorce doesn’t necessarily mean the person is bad. But it does have an impact on the
people. For example, Grandmother
McReynolds was divorced, but she is a wonderful person. Jo grew up without
knowing what it was like to have a father figure in the home. So it was an adjustment for her to have a man
in the home that would take responsibility and make decisions. Fortunately, we had a great relationship from
the start, and it was an easy adjustment. Most people are not so lucky. So, one
has to look at how the parents treat each other, and their children. What are the behaviors that they have passed
on to their children. In addition, one
can look at the physical appearance of the parents and assume that this is what
their children may look like when they get older. You can ask yourself if you would be happy
with that.
My sister Deanne said, “Get to know your prospective spouse
and family well in different situations.
What is the spirit in their home, in their relationships. Notice how they treat each other. Notice the broader scope—the extended family,
how they live, act, speak. What is
important to them? Do you feel good
about what you observe? Your in-laws
will be your family.” She also said,
“Don’t look for or expect perfection; you won’t find it. After being married, everyone learns things
about his or her spouse that he didn’t know, or doesn’t like, but if you have
the other important things, you will be able to work out most problems.”
How important is it to consider someone’s parents and family
when considering them as a potential mate. There is an undeniable fact that as
people go through life, they grow, change and develop. Those who follow Christ can experience
development that focuses on Christ-like attributes. Over time, they can become
better people, better parents, more loving, and in general more Christ-like. I
really didn’t learn this principle until I was on my mission and observed for
the first time, the influence of the gospel as it helped people grow and
improve in their personal lives, and in their skill as a parent. As Brigham
Young taught, the gospel of Jesus Christ “teachs men to be truthful, honest,
chaste, sober, industrious, frugal and to love and practice every good word and
work, … it elevates and ennobles man, [and] if fully obeyed, [it] brings health
and strength to the body, clearness to the perceptions, power to the reasoning
faculties as well as salvation to the soul.”[3]
Since children are influenced by their parents for both good
and bad, it is wise to consider their parents.
But most important are the decisions they have made in their personal
lives. How committed are they to the things that are most important to you.
Rely on the Spirit.
When Jo and I decided to marry, we both knew it was right. I didn’t go through an elaborate evaluation
process. What I had chosen to do was to live
the best that I could, and then rely on the Lord to help me. Clearly, I was blessed. He has given me much more than I could have
realized at that age. There is no way I
could have known what a great mother and wife Jo was to become. I had to trust my own best judgment and trust
that Heavenly Father would send me an angel who would watch over me and our
family.
Marry in the Temple.
President Monson said, “I would admonish you to maintain an eternal
perspective. Make certain that the marriage in your future is a temple
marriage. There is no scene so sweet, no time so sacred as that very special
day of your marriage. Then and there you glimpse celestial joy. Be alert; do
not permit temptation to rob you of this blessing.”[4]
As you marry and start your life with your chosen mate, it
can be the most glorious and fun experience of your life. When you work
together and bring your children up in a happy and spiritual environment, you
will experience happiness, joy and contentment beyond expression.
[1] “Chapter
18: Honorable, Happy, Successful Marriage,” Teachings of Presidents of the
Church: Spencer W. Kimball, (2006),189–201
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=88021b08f338c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=5689862384d20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1
[2] The
Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 1982, 248
[3] Letter
to the editor of the Religio-Philosophical Journal, 7 Jan. 1869,
quoted in Jed Woodworth, “Brigham Young and the Mission of Mormonism,” Brigham
Young University Studies 40, no. 2 (2001):11. Dallin H. Oaks, “The Gospel in Our Lives,”
Liahona, Jul 2002, 36–39
[4] Thomas
S. Monson, “Whom Shall I Marry?,” New Era, Oct 2004, 4