Conflict
I like happy
and loving feelings to surround me. I
love the feeling of peaceful harmony in our home. Sometimes, difficult issues need to be
discussed. Sometimes, there are disagreements.
Sometimes there are conflicts. In
a family, there are always things to discuss. Some are easy, and some are more
difficult. These discussions need to take place, to resolve issues, plan for
the future, and to help each other. At the same time, we strive to maintain a
feeling of love in our home, a place where the Spirit of the Lord abides with
us all the time.
Recently, I
have been reading a business book that has sparked some interesting reflection
regarding the concept of positive conflict.
The book is entitled The Five Dysfunctions of a Team[1].
In this book the author makes this statement, “All great relationships, the
ones that last over time, require productive conflict in order to grow. This is true in marriage, parenthood,
friendship, and certainly business.”
The word
“conflict” typically refers to negative arguing that is damaging and
destructive. In Third Nephi it says,
““There shall be no disputations among you. For verily, verily I say unto you,
he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is
the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with
anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts
of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such
things should be done away.”[2]
Can we have productive conflict without contention? I believe that it is possible for interfamily
communications to take place with no contention or anger, only love.
In the book
mentioned above, it talks about avoiding conflict. “Ironically, teams that avoid ideological
conflict often do so in order to avoid hurting team members' feelings, and then
end up encouraging dangerous tension.
When team members do not openly debate and disagree about important
ideas, they often turn to back-channel personal attacks, which are far nastier
and more harmful than any heated argument over issues.” The author makes two really good points. One – we think that conflict is bad and we
avoid it because we do not want to hurt the feelings of those we love. Two – that sometimes, if we do not have some
healthy conflict, frustration builds, and then it can turn into personal
attack, or we just blow up. Conflict can resolve problems quickly. “…teams that engage in productive conflict
know that the only purpose is to produce the best possible solution in the
shortest period of time. They discuss
and resolve issues more quickly and completely than others, and they emerge
from heated debates with no residual feelings or collateral damage, but with an
eagerness and readiness to take on the next important issue.” They challenge is to make sure that there are
“No residual feelings”.
King
Benjamin taught that children should not argue.
“And ye will not suffer your children… that they transgress the laws of
God, and fight and quarrel one with another.”[3] I agree.
However, there is a difference between fighting and resolving
conflict. Mostly, it required mediation
by someone who can direct the conflict in a positive way. This doesn’t mean that you just say,
“Children! Stop fighting!” and expect
them to go their rooms and miraculously feel better. It means that you interact with them,
helping them to address their issues in the appropriate way.
My mother
was a very good communicator. I remember
many times, when she would talk with me about the problems I was having. We would talk through them and I would always
feel better and reassured. However, I
remember one time, when she was not such a great communicator. I was either in my late teens or early
twenties. She and Dad had a discussion about something and it turned into a
disagreement. As I heard them bounce
back and forth about whatever it was, I remember Mom deflecting the point into
other things that weren’t related to the issue. Dad was trying to stay on the
subject, but Mom was so articulate, that it just got frustrating to Dad and he
gave up and went downstairs in a huff. A
little later, I went and talked to him.
I told him that I understood what he was saying and that I felt Mom
would too, eventually. Then I went and
talked to Mom about it. I mentioned that
she had been in error, by deflecting the conversation while Dad was try to stay
to the point. It caught her off guard,
and she said, “Well, I never thought I would be the one with the communication
problem.” We both laughed about it,
because usually she was the better communicator. I know they talked later and sorted it all
out, of course. They were very good examples to me on how to speak lovingly and
how to respectfully treat each other.
Speak kindly
and with love and respect
While
conflict is inevitable, I believe that it is the way in which we handle these
situations that determines whether or not it is a positive experience. It is
difficult for us to remember to speak kindly in the heat of a conflict. Emotions can run high. There are a number of
things that we need to remember if we are to be successful in this type of
communication. If we remember to speak to the other person like we love them,
we can then avoid hurt feelings. President
Kimball, in speaking about the responsibility of parents states, ”…when you
speak or talk to them, do it not in anger; do it not harshly, in a condemning
spirit. Speak to them kindly; get them down and weep with them, if necessary …
Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly towards you.”[4]
In Proverbs it says that “grievous words stir up anger” and “a soft answer
turneth away wrath.”[5]
In the D&C, it talks about how we should interact when influencing
other“…only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and
by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge
the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile”[6]
What does “without guile” mean? It means
that you do not make negative assumptions about the other person. You assume that they want what is best for
you. You assume they love you.
Do it at the
right time
Sometimes,
it is just bad timing. In the heat of
the moment, when we are under a deadline, at the end of a difficult day – all
of these times add unnecessary challenges to effective communication. Sometimes, you just need to wait and have
these talks a little later. While, I recommend that we never go to bed angry, I
also don’t think late at night, when you are tired, is the right time to have
an in-depth and challenging discussion. I remember one of the only times I had
a conflict with my Father. I don’t even
remember what it was that we were talking about, but I remember that my teenage
emotions were running high. Dad had kept
his emotions under control, and was speaking lovingly, but I couldn’t. I needed some time to calm down. I took a
drive and visited with my brother Richard for a while. Then, hours later, I was thinking clearly
again and I was able to communicate more effectively. We should remember to be
flexible and patient. When missionary companions have conflicting personalities
or interests, they are encouraged to try to resolve them themselves. In the
guide for missionaries, it identifies how missionaries are to address these
issues. “If a missionary's companion is
having difficulty with the work or with personal problems missionaries are
instructed to give criticism constructively, in private and with respect.” [7] Notice two key things: privacy and respect.
When Jo and I were first married, we
noticed quickly that there was a difference in the way we handled
conflict. I wanted to immediately talk
about it, (until she could see that I was right). But I wanted to keep going over it until it
was resolved. Jo was use to letting it
go, giving it some time and not stressing about it. So, I had to learn to sometimes give it a
little time. I had to learn to not
always think that I was right (still struggle with that one). I had to learn that sometimes, I needed to
give it a little time, and address it later and perhaps under better
circumstances. Jo had to learn to be
patient and to talk about it immediately sometimes. She had to learn that I needed a lot of
reassurance that everything was ok.
We’ve done a pretty good job.
Conflict is often not a matter of
“winning” or being “right”. Sometimes, you have to be willing to “lose” for the
sake of the relationship. For example, a
parent and grown child who had not spoken to each other for years, both said
things that had hurt the others feelings.
They both felt like it was the responsibility of the other to
apologize. How easy would it be to say,
“I’m sorry for what I said that hurt your feelings. I love you.”
Either one of them could have chosen to apologize, even if they didn’t
feel like it was their responsibility or even their fault at all. Instead, they continued to experience years
and years of lost relationship, interaction and shared love and support. What
is the cost of “losing”? Is it a moment of pride, a minute of humility, a two
minute conversation where you say you are sorry, even if you were not in the wrong?
In my jobs, over the years, I have had
occasion to address many problems with employees. There were times when I had to pull people in
to my office, address problems, give them direction, and in some cases, fire
them. I can think of several times, when
I didn’t want to have these conversations, because I felt like it would be a
conflict, and because it would probably be difficult on me emotionally. However, in almost all cases, if I would
follow some of the guidelines I have outlined here, those conversations would
end up being positive. In one case, I
put off a meeting for several weeks, fearing the outcome. But the meeting went so well, and ended with
the employee expressing gratitude and appreciation. I thought to myself, “why did I wait so
long?”
My mother had a saying, “Don’t let it hurt you until it hurts
you.” One time, when she was a grown
woman, she needed to go to the doctor.
She thought that she would have to get treatment and perhaps a
shot. She thought about it for days, to
the point where it was making her physically ill. Then, it turned out that she didn’t even need
to go. She realized that she had gone
through all of that suffering needlessly.
She determined not to let something hurt her, until it hurt. As I think about having difficult
conversations, I remember her saying, and I don’t worry about the possible
outcomes or conflict. If it happens,
then I worry about it. But there is no
sense in letting it hurt me before it hurts me.
Reassure
During the
course of these discussions, it is important to reassure the participants that
the discussion is a good thing, that it will help, and that they are still
loved. Restate the purpose of the discussion, reaffirm the loving relationship. Often during a discussion, this may need to
be restated several times. Also, I have
found that physical contact can help.
For me, a loving touch on my arm reassures me that love is still at the
foundation. It is difficult to be angry at someone who is kissing you.
Just today,
as I am working on this, Jo and I were having a discussion. It was nothing serious, just talking about
our day. In the middle of the
conversation, she said, “Are you upset?”
I answered, “No. I am not upset
about anything at all.” She said that I
just responded very forcefully. I
realized that I was just anxious about getting everything done, and I was
anxious to get going. But, this question
from Jo was a great question. It allowed
her to check and to make sure that everything was ok. It also brought my behavior out into the
open, so that I could recognize how I was sounding, and give me the opportunity
to reassure her that I was not upset and everything was great.
Accept and
be willing to change
A friend and author, Brent L. Topp refers to a concept that he
calls, “The hypocrisy of deflection.” “We deflect the counsel, the teachings
that are given to us and that we need in our lives to be disciples of the
Master. We actually deflect if from our selves, and cast it upon someone else.
The natural man deflects. A disciple of Christ accepts and embraces corrective
counsel.” Regardless of anything else, this is the most important thing:
the person we are talking to must know and feel that we love them. There is
nothing more important in communication with our family than the expression of
love.
Do not be angry
When I was a
little boy, probably eight years old or so, we would have a young American
Indian boy come and stay with us during the school year. His name was Robin Roberts. Then, he would go home to Minneapolis every
summer. We did this for four or five
years. It is part of what was called the Indian Placement program. For me, I enjoyed having him around most of
the time. Although he was a couple of
years older than me, I was still much bigger than he was. We would do everything that brothers would
do. We would go swimming, ride our
bikes, play football and sometimes we would argue. I was rather a peaceful boy, and didn’t like
to fight or get into trouble. Sometimes,
Robin and I would start to argue about something, but I can’t ever remember
fighting to the point where it came to blows.
My mother later told me that one day, she heard a commotion coming from
the other room. Then, she heard me
calling out for her. When she came
running, she found Robin on the ground struggling and me sitting on top of
him. “Mom, If I let him up, he’ll start
hitting and fighting!” I said to her.
Then, Robin had stopped struggling.
He knew that the “fight” was over.
Anger, is destructive in so many ways. To be angry is to yield
to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we
desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain
from becoming angry. If we have Christ like love in our hearts, we will find
that anger quickly dissipates.
In fact, we need to appreciate conflicts and
see them as opportunities. It is an
opportunity to express our feelings, to overcome obstacles, and to become more
unified. It’s a little like Ammon who
rejoiced when he saw the conflict, because he knew that it would give him an
opportunity to share the gospel[8]. Sometimes
conflict can be good, if we handle it correctly.
President Eyring
addressed comments to the priesthood saying, “You will succeed … with a sure
bond of love with your wife, with the Lord’s help in turning the hearts of your
children to each other and to their parents, and with love guiding you to
correct and exhort in a way that invites the Spirit.”[9]
May we be faithful
in our efforts to communicate lovingly in our homes and in dealing with
conflict. Remember to be peacemakers. Remembering
the Savior’s admonition, “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples,
if ye have love one to another.” [10]
Remember that I love you with all of my heart and soul.
[1]
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, A Leadership Fable, by Patrick Lencioni,
Jossey Bass 2002
[2] The
Book of Mormon, 3rd Nephi 11:28-30
[3]
The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 4:14
[4]
Ensign, August 1982, Therefore I was Taught
[5]
The Old Testament, Proverbs 15:1.
[6] D&C
121:41
[7] Missionary
Handbook 2006 Edition, page 30.
[8]
The Book of Mormon, Alma 17:29
[9]
Ensign, April 2012, Families under
Covenant, By President Henry B. Eyring
[10]
The New Testament, John 13:35